Parenting is a funny old game, one minute you’re desperately trying to get them to sleep later than 5am and wishing you could go to the bathroom in peace, the next you’re vacuuming outside their bedroom at midday in an attempt to get them out of bed so you can get into their room and retrieve the 15 mugs, 7 plates and ALL the spoons in the house that seem to have mysteriously migrated there.
It’s a real rollercoaster of emotions, and never more so than when your child goes off to uni. We’re lucky here in the UK, as we have some of the best cities for students, and we know that it’s a good thing; they’ve worked hard for it and will hopefully have the time of their lives and make lots of friends at uni, and lots of memories. But it doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, especially as often your children growing up and leaving home coincides with other changes in your life; dealing with ageing parents, for example, so it can take some adjustment.
But you’re not on your own, so we’re going to talk about how you can cope when your child goes off to uni, with a few tips from people who have been through it.
WHAT IS EMPTY NEST SYNDROME?
Empty Nest Syndrome describes the sense of sadness, grief and loneliness parents can feel when their children leave home, whether that’s to go to uni or live on their own. Parents can feel a bit lost; after years of putting their children first, it’s easy to wonder what their ‘purpose’ is now their children no longer need them, alongside some general anxiety about how their child will manage.
Some people might question their parenting up until this point – should you have spent more time with them? Did you make the most of having them around or did you wish the time away? Did you shout at them too much? Did you work too much?
These are all normal emotions, not helped by the fact that not everyone is sympathetic or understands; there’s often the feeling that parents should be pleased or relieved when their children leave home – freedom at last!
Of course, there are advantages too, and it’s perfectly reasonable to feel a mix of emotions. This is a milestone time where you need to establish a new relationship with your children, your partner and yourself.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOUR CHILD LEAVES FOR UNIVERSITY
The month leading up to your child leaving for university can be quite stressful, so you might not get much time to process how you’re feeling. From the run up to getting their results, and all the accompanying stress of that, to helping them sort out their student finance, accommodation etc., never mind all the packing, it can be an overwhelming time for all of you and things could feel quite tense. Emotions will be high, on both sides and there may be more arguments. You might sense your child’s frustration, and desire to be away from you, and feel sad, or pushed out. Or you might be feeling frustrated yourself and looking forward to them going. Either way, there’ll be some guilt involved.
Part of being a parent is dealing with guilt, as well as the worry. You’ll worry about them being homesick, at the same time as worrying that they’ll enjoy it so much you’ll never hear from them again – you want them to have a great time and not be sad, while still missing you a tiny bit. You’ll also worry about their safety; will they remember to look both ways while crossing the road in a new town?
What if their course is too hard? What if it’s not hard enough and they get bored and hate it? How will they deal with the money side of things? Will their student flat be full of ASOS parcels and no food? What if nobody likes them? What if everyone likes them and they end up socialising all the time and doing no work? Can a human being survive on toast? What if they’re ill and you’re not there to make them their special sandwich?
This can be particularly hard if your child has physical or mental health issues, read our blog for advice on helping them cope with anxiety at university and remember that each university has support in place.
TIPS TO HELP YOU COPE
There are things you can do to make the transition a little easier:
- Keep busy – make plans for after they’ve moved out, maybe book a weekend away (no, not in the town where they’ve gone to uni!) so you have something to look forward to, somewhere that doesn’t remind you of them and stops you sitting on their neatly made bed, holding their pillow. If you have younger children, you can spend time with them and do those one-on-one things younger children often miss out on, and if you don’t have other children at home, you can re-frame this as your time to re-discover yourself and remember what you liked doing before your life was taken up with children. You can focus on your relationship with your partner and re-connect with your friends, get back into your favourite hobbies, or find new ones; is there something you’ve always wanted to do? It’s a good time to remember who you were before you became a parent.
- Talk! – There’s so much to work yourself up about, the best thing is to say it out loud to someone as it can often neutralise your worries. Chances are you’ll know other people going through the same thing, so talk to them, it will help you feel less isolated, you could arrange regular meet-ups over the next few months. If you can’t talk to other people about it, write it down, start a journal.
- Accept that whatever you’re feeling is normal and it will pass – it’s a form of loss when your children leave home, your family dynamic changes and everyone reacts differently, so whether you’re feeling sad or elated, your feelings are valid.
- Remember they’ll be back! – Uni terms seem shockingly short, so you’ll just be getting into the swing of things and enjoying being able to dance around your kitchen without anyone rolling their eyes at how embarrassing you are, and they’ll be back, accompanied by 5 IKEA bags full of washing and a huge appetite. This is something else to navigate; they’ve had enough time to get into their own routine so will be torn between wanting to show you how old-fashioned your ways are, and quite liking being pampered and having their favourite meals cooked for them on demand. Then you have it all over again when they go back to uni; like we said, it’s a rollercoaster.
- Arrange a time to see them – it helps if when you drop them off you have an idea in your head of when you’ll see them again. Arrange a regular time to call/facetime if that helps, just not every day!
- Don’t hang around on moving day – get them settled, take them shopping, put their duvet cover on for them, then leave them to it. They’ll be itching to get to know the people they’re living with and may be feeling a bit wobbly themselves. They don’t need to see you weeping in their doorway, say goodbye, make it clear you’re there for them if they need you, then go and have a cry in the car on the way home.
- Congratulate yourself for making a fully grown person who is ready to go off into the world and find their own way, it’s such an exciting time for them, so many possibilities. You did that!
Being a parent is all about helping them move on to the next stage towards being independent and the journey is full of firsts and lasts; whether that’s buying your last pack of nappies or watching them head into the classroom on their first day at school, it’s an ever-evolving process. You’re still their parents, they still need you, that won’t ever stop, but it’s a slightly different relationship now, a relationship with just as many benefits – ask anyone whose child can now pick them up from a night out.
There are lots of practical ways you can help them when they go off to uni, but have you considered student insurance? It’s often not high on the list of priorities, but it can go a long way towards providing peace of mind if something goes wrong. Call us, or look online, for a free, no-strings quote today.
Just be careful what you wish for, between the 2011 and 2021 Census the number of families with an adult child living with them rose by 13.6% to nearly 3.8 million, so don’t turn their bedroom into a home gym just yet!
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